Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Political Viruses

The following is the list of some new viruses going round in India. Better beware of them.

V.P. Singh Virus:
This virus reserves a quota for each instruction, and executes them
only according to the quota. Needless to say, the least used instructions have a higher quota than the more used instructions. This virus is also known as social justice virus.

Sukh Ram Virus:
This virus first swallows 10% of the bits in each instruction and then executes them.

Maneka Gandhi Virus:
This is a green virus. It executes only those programmes that were written by vegetarians or animals.

L.K. Advani Virus:
This virus pops up every now and then, and the only way you can continue working is by typing Jai Shri Ram 108 times.

K.P.S. Gill Virus:
Only ladies need to worry about this virus. Every now and then the users get a whack, you know where.

Deve Gowda Virus:
The main characterestic of this virus is that it tries to schedule all the processes at the same time. Frankly speaking, this virus services all the request for resources,and allocates them irrespective of whether they are available or not.

Jayalalitha Virus:
This actually is a family of viruses. Each member of this virus family grab as much of hard disk space as possible,while the main virus is totally unaware of it. When everything stops working,this virus blames the user for the whole chaos.

I.K.Gujral Virus:
Before executing any instruction, this virus calls tries to get the approval of 18 other viruses and most of the time, one of the viruses blocks the instruction. So Gujral virus most of the time does not execute anything. While it is not doing anything, as it is always, this virus connects to the Internet and keeps sending data to all major/minor countries in the World except India w/o receiving the replies.

Veerappan virus:
This virus plays hide and seek. it captures some resources and releases them after sometime. it sometimes seems to be eradicated but suddenly reappears.

Laloo Yadav virus:
A dangerous virus, gulps all the resources as well as it corrupts the data. If you try to use scanner, During hibernation,it will rename its signature with another deadly virus of the same family. This virus takes help from other viruses to avoid scanning.

Mulayam Virus:
Whatever way, it will try to grab resources of the system, it's only task is to abort BJP processes. this virus hangs the system by sending conflicting signals to different hardware units.

Sonia Gandhi Virus:
Once a part of most deadly virus family of the world. No scanner can detect now, how much damage it can cause to the system, but people
use Bofors scanner for temporary protection.

Kashi-Maya Virus:
It's also called the Dalit virus, it destabilizes the co-ordination
amongst different resources, It controls & steps the low priority
resources from functioning. Lot of scanners available now to kill it. Other viruses are thriving by splitting this virus.

P.V. Narasimha Rao Virus:
First of all, this virus reduces the CPU speed to 66Hz. Before executing any instruction, it deleberates over it a number of times and finally does nothing.

Jayalalitha's tax dues

A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in Chennai. He's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual we're not even moving."

He notices a police officer walking down thehighway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says,"Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?"

"Jayalalitha just found out the verdict, and she's all depressed. She's lying down in the middle of the highway and she's threatening to douse herself in gasoline and light herself on fire. She just doesn't have Rs.85 Crores for the tax dues. I'm walking around taking up a collection for her".

Different people different views

An Indian politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings.

He asked "How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?"

The senator smiled knowingly and took him to the window.

"Can you see the river?"


"Can you see the bridge over it?"

"Of course", said the minister.

"10 percent", said the senator smugly.

Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his house, the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc. etc.

"How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in RS?', he asked.

The minister called him to the window. "See the river over there?"

"Sure", cried the senator.

"Can you see the bridge over it?"

The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said -

"No, I don't see any bridge."

"100 percent", said the minister !!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Condom Emergency

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.


"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of condom company.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4' wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'Made In America, SIZE SMALL' on each one.

Kindergarten Lecture

Attorney General Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.
After the usual introductions were over, he told the boys and girls to ask him questions, if they had any

As usual, there was this smart little boy named Tommy who raised his hand and said that he had three questions to ask him.

First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?
And third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"

Just then the bell sounded and all the kids ran out to the playground.

After lunch the kids were back in class and Attorney General Ashcroft apologised for the interruption and requested the boys and girls to continue with their questions

A little girl then raised her hand and requested whether Mr. Ashcroft could answer her five queries;

First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore ?

Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties ?

Third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet ?

Fourth, why did the bell go off 20 minutes early ?

And fifth, where's Tommy ?

Monday, February 4, 2008

Kerry Fan

A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans. Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."

The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.

The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this IS Vermont, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan."

Who Are Your Parents

Erich Honnecker (the president of East Germany) was invited to Moscow by Gorbachev for a visit. After weeks of preparation by Gorby, Honnecker arrives in Moscow. As part of the celebration activities, there is a big parade through the streets of Moscow. While the two are watching the parade, Gorbachev takes a
small boy aside and asks him, "Who is your mother?" The child replies, "Mother Russia." "And who is your father?", asks Gorbachev. The boy answers, "Why, its you Uncle Gorbachev!". Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, "and what do you want to be when you grow up?". The boy proudly replies, "a good communist!".

Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very impressed. So impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to [East] Berlin for a visit. Again, after weeks of preparation, Gorbachev's plane lands in Berlin. And again, part of the celebration includes a parade. Remembering what Gorbachev did in
Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene: He asks a little boy in the crowd, "Who is your mother?" The child replies "the GDR [German Democratic Republic - East Germany]." "And who is your father?", asks Honnecker. "Why, its you Uncle Honnecker!", replies the child. "And what do you want to be when you grow up?"
queries Honnecker. Without hesitation, the boy replies "an orphan."

Give Bill More Time

Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington were on the Titanic.
As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ''Save the women!''

George Bush hysterically screeches, ''Screw the women!''

And Bill Clinton smirks and purrs, ''Do we have time?'

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Live by your values, win with humility

Alone, no battle is won. In isolation, success cannot be achieved; working in a vacuum makes one falter. The monarchs, the leader, the chief, are given their stature and value only by the raging teams behind them. These are the teams that have implicit trust and complete belief in their leaders. And these are the teams that the leader in turn, has complete faith in. This is what leads to success. Hence the values of trust, belief and confidence are rare yet important quali ties to embody. They result in cohesiveness, co-operation and finally a strong unit working well together to achieve success.

However, the current day corporate resonates with insecurity, employees are competitive and hence trust is lost. Leaders sometimes are looked upon as strict monarchs who work behind closed doors. On the contrary, a leader has to resonate with trust such that every worker is inspired by the example and is willing to follow the leaders’ instruction, even in times of risk. Trust is not achieved alone. It is a shared concept. Not only do leaders have to generate employee trust in them but also show trust in the abilities of their workers. Both the worker and leader have to trust each other.

A leader has to leave behind his ‘I’, his sense of sole authority and importance. To impart trust one needs to work as a team member and not always as a chief. Originality, innovation and greater efficiency will result.

Management guru Peter Drucker states, “ The leaders who work most effectively, it seems to me, never say ‘I’, and that’s not because they have trained themselves not to say ‘I.’ They don’t think ‘I.’ They think ‘we’; they think ‘team’. They understand their job to be able to make the team function. They accept responsibility and don’t sidestep it, but ‘we’ gets the credit. This is what creates trust, what enables you to get the task done.”

Every leader resonates the values that he upholds. Hence to build confidence and trust in yourself, state your principles, and value them even in times of difficulty and risk. Then leaders are looked up to and trusted. Credibility is important in trust building. Live by your values, work as hard as your head, falter with grace and win with humility.

When held on to tight, employees only slip away. But when trusted, their performance as well as belief in the leader only grows. Employees working within strict, non-flexible frameworks are bound to feel antagonistic towards the leadership and management. Workers cannot be expected to do mechanical work.

A sense of involvement is necessary which can be generated when they form an integral part of decision making, or problem solving techniques that relate to their work.

Leaders often hold on to every important task and do not take inputs. On the contrary, leaders have to trust their workforce and let go. This leads to every process, and decision being made faster and hence resulting in better productivity.

The leader who plays favourites and does not treat all with respect will face difficulties. For a leader to be trusted he has to exude fairness and honesty. Rude behaviour, an arrogant attitude only depicts self-importance and lack of respect for others. Playing favourites results in loss of internal co-operation. But a leader who treats everyone equally is looked up to. Reward the worker who excels, but never be unfair or unjust. Give everyone their due importance.

Trust is not created in an isolated position. Managers, leaders have to communicate clearly with their peers and subordinates for them to follow the leaders’ goals, paths and methods of functions. Secrecy only leads to hostility.

Further, a leader has to always be honest in his communication especially when there is a problem.

Honesty, integrity, trust seems like virtues or even words of another era, not applicable to the current, rapid, transient and volatile corporate world. But behind every story of permanent and repeated success is the principle of trust-employee trust in the leadership and the leaders’ trust of their employees. Mutual trust is the mantra for success.

Courtesy : UZMA HYDER