Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?" said Putin.
"No problem," replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of condom company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4' wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'Made In America, SIZE SMALL' on each one.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Kindergarten Lecture
Attorney General Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.
After the usual introductions were over, he told the boys and girls to ask him questions, if they had any
As usual, there was this smart little boy named Tommy who raised his hand and said that he had three questions to ask him.
First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?
And third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"
Just then the bell sounded and all the kids ran out to the playground.
After lunch the kids were back in class and Attorney General Ashcroft apologised for the interruption and requested the boys and girls to continue with their questions
A little girl then raised her hand and requested whether Mr. Ashcroft could answer her five queries;
First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore ?
Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties ?
Third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet ?
Fourth, why did the bell go off 20 minutes early ?
And fifth, where's Tommy ?
After the usual introductions were over, he told the boys and girls to ask him questions, if they had any
As usual, there was this smart little boy named Tommy who raised his hand and said that he had three questions to ask him.
First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?
And third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"
Just then the bell sounded and all the kids ran out to the playground.
After lunch the kids were back in class and Attorney General Ashcroft apologised for the interruption and requested the boys and girls to continue with their questions
A little girl then raised her hand and requested whether Mr. Ashcroft could answer her five queries;
First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore ?
Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties ?
Third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet ?
Fourth, why did the bell go off 20 minutes early ?
And fifth, where's Tommy ?
Monday, February 4, 2008
Kerry Fan
A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans. Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.
Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."
The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.
The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this IS Vermont, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan."
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.
Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."
The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.
The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this IS Vermont, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan."
Who Are Your Parents
Erich Honnecker (the president of East Germany) was invited to Moscow by Gorbachev for a visit. After weeks of preparation by Gorby, Honnecker arrives in Moscow. As part of the celebration activities, there is a big parade through the streets of Moscow. While the two are watching the parade, Gorbachev takes a
small boy aside and asks him, "Who is your mother?" The child replies, "Mother Russia." "And who is your father?", asks Gorbachev. The boy answers, "Why, its you Uncle Gorbachev!". Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, "and what do you want to be when you grow up?". The boy proudly replies, "a good communist!".
Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very impressed. So impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to [East] Berlin for a visit. Again, after weeks of preparation, Gorbachev's plane lands in Berlin. And again, part of the celebration includes a parade. Remembering what Gorbachev did in
Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene: He asks a little boy in the crowd, "Who is your mother?" The child replies "the GDR [German Democratic Republic - East Germany]." "And who is your father?", asks Honnecker. "Why, its you Uncle Honnecker!", replies the child. "And what do you want to be when you grow up?"
queries Honnecker. Without hesitation, the boy replies "an orphan."
small boy aside and asks him, "Who is your mother?" The child replies, "Mother Russia." "And who is your father?", asks Gorbachev. The boy answers, "Why, its you Uncle Gorbachev!". Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, "and what do you want to be when you grow up?". The boy proudly replies, "a good communist!".
Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very impressed. So impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to [East] Berlin for a visit. Again, after weeks of preparation, Gorbachev's plane lands in Berlin. And again, part of the celebration includes a parade. Remembering what Gorbachev did in
Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene: He asks a little boy in the crowd, "Who is your mother?" The child replies "the GDR [German Democratic Republic - East Germany]." "And who is your father?", asks Honnecker. "Why, its you Uncle Honnecker!", replies the child. "And what do you want to be when you grow up?"
queries Honnecker. Without hesitation, the boy replies "an orphan."
Give Bill More Time
Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington were on the Titanic.
As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ''Save the women!''
George Bush hysterically screeches, ''Screw the women!''
And Bill Clinton smirks and purrs, ''Do we have time?'
As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ''Save the women!''
George Bush hysterically screeches, ''Screw the women!''
And Bill Clinton smirks and purrs, ''Do we have time?'
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Live by your values, win with humility
Alone, no battle is won. In isolation, success cannot be achieved; working in a vacuum makes one falter. The monarchs, the leader, the chief, are given their stature and value only by the raging teams behind them. These are the teams that have implicit trust and complete belief in their leaders. And these are the teams that the leader in turn, has complete faith in. This is what leads to success. Hence the values of trust, belief and confidence are rare yet important quali ties to embody. They result in cohesiveness, co-operation and finally a strong unit working well together to achieve success.
However, the current day corporate resonates with insecurity, employees are competitive and hence trust is lost. Leaders sometimes are looked upon as strict monarchs who work behind closed doors. On the contrary, a leader has to resonate with trust such that every worker is inspired by the example and is willing to follow the leaders’ instruction, even in times of risk. Trust is not achieved alone. It is a shared concept. Not only do leaders have to generate employee trust in them but also show trust in the abilities of their workers. Both the worker and leader have to trust each other.
A leader has to leave behind his ‘I’, his sense of sole authority and importance. To impart trust one needs to work as a team member and not always as a chief. Originality, innovation and greater efficiency will result.
Management guru Peter Drucker states, “ The leaders who work most effectively, it seems to me, never say ‘I’, and that’s not because they have trained themselves not to say ‘I.’ They don’t think ‘I.’ They think ‘we’; they think ‘team’. They understand their job to be able to make the team function. They accept responsibility and don’t sidestep it, but ‘we’ gets the credit. This is what creates trust, what enables you to get the task done.”
Every leader resonates the values that he upholds. Hence to build confidence and trust in yourself, state your principles, and value them even in times of difficulty and risk. Then leaders are looked up to and trusted. Credibility is important in trust building. Live by your values, work as hard as your head, falter with grace and win with humility.
When held on to tight, employees only slip away. But when trusted, their performance as well as belief in the leader only grows. Employees working within strict, non-flexible frameworks are bound to feel antagonistic towards the leadership and management. Workers cannot be expected to do mechanical work.
A sense of involvement is necessary which can be generated when they form an integral part of decision making, or problem solving techniques that relate to their work.
Leaders often hold on to every important task and do not take inputs. On the contrary, leaders have to trust their workforce and let go. This leads to every process, and decision being made faster and hence resulting in better productivity.
The leader who plays favourites and does not treat all with respect will face difficulties. For a leader to be trusted he has to exude fairness and honesty. Rude behaviour, an arrogant attitude only depicts self-importance and lack of respect for others. Playing favourites results in loss of internal co-operation. But a leader who treats everyone equally is looked up to. Reward the worker who excels, but never be unfair or unjust. Give everyone their due importance.
Trust is not created in an isolated position. Managers, leaders have to communicate clearly with their peers and subordinates for them to follow the leaders’ goals, paths and methods of functions. Secrecy only leads to hostility.
Further, a leader has to always be honest in his communication especially when there is a problem.
Honesty, integrity, trust seems like virtues or even words of another era, not applicable to the current, rapid, transient and volatile corporate world. But behind every story of permanent and repeated success is the principle of trust-employee trust in the leadership and the leaders’ trust of their employees. Mutual trust is the mantra for success.
Courtesy : UZMA HYDER
However, the current day corporate resonates with insecurity, employees are competitive and hence trust is lost. Leaders sometimes are looked upon as strict monarchs who work behind closed doors. On the contrary, a leader has to resonate with trust such that every worker is inspired by the example and is willing to follow the leaders’ instruction, even in times of risk. Trust is not achieved alone. It is a shared concept. Not only do leaders have to generate employee trust in them but also show trust in the abilities of their workers. Both the worker and leader have to trust each other.
A leader has to leave behind his ‘I’, his sense of sole authority and importance. To impart trust one needs to work as a team member and not always as a chief. Originality, innovation and greater efficiency will result.
Management guru Peter Drucker states, “ The leaders who work most effectively, it seems to me, never say ‘I’, and that’s not because they have trained themselves not to say ‘I.’ They don’t think ‘I.’ They think ‘we’; they think ‘team’. They understand their job to be able to make the team function. They accept responsibility and don’t sidestep it, but ‘we’ gets the credit. This is what creates trust, what enables you to get the task done.”
Every leader resonates the values that he upholds. Hence to build confidence and trust in yourself, state your principles, and value them even in times of difficulty and risk. Then leaders are looked up to and trusted. Credibility is important in trust building. Live by your values, work as hard as your head, falter with grace and win with humility.
When held on to tight, employees only slip away. But when trusted, their performance as well as belief in the leader only grows. Employees working within strict, non-flexible frameworks are bound to feel antagonistic towards the leadership and management. Workers cannot be expected to do mechanical work.
A sense of involvement is necessary which can be generated when they form an integral part of decision making, or problem solving techniques that relate to their work.
Leaders often hold on to every important task and do not take inputs. On the contrary, leaders have to trust their workforce and let go. This leads to every process, and decision being made faster and hence resulting in better productivity.
The leader who plays favourites and does not treat all with respect will face difficulties. For a leader to be trusted he has to exude fairness and honesty. Rude behaviour, an arrogant attitude only depicts self-importance and lack of respect for others. Playing favourites results in loss of internal co-operation. But a leader who treats everyone equally is looked up to. Reward the worker who excels, but never be unfair or unjust. Give everyone their due importance.
Trust is not created in an isolated position. Managers, leaders have to communicate clearly with their peers and subordinates for them to follow the leaders’ goals, paths and methods of functions. Secrecy only leads to hostility.
Further, a leader has to always be honest in his communication especially when there is a problem.
Honesty, integrity, trust seems like virtues or even words of another era, not applicable to the current, rapid, transient and volatile corporate world. But behind every story of permanent and repeated success is the principle of trust-employee trust in the leadership and the leaders’ trust of their employees. Mutual trust is the mantra for success.
Courtesy : UZMA HYDER
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